May 01, 2007
Obedient Wife
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!" She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him. "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, he can spend it."
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!" She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him. "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, he can spend it."
Labels: fun
To be 6 again
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head wa s reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head wa s reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Labels: fun
Life is like a box of chocolates
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a pink bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband".
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a pink bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband".
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."
Labels: Heart-to-heart
Green and Gold Malaria
For my friends downunder..
"The day would soon arrive when I could not ignore the rash.
I was obviously ill and so I called on Doctor Nash.
This standard consultation would adjudicate my fate.
I walked into his surgery and gave it to him straight:
`Doc, I wonder if you might explain this allergy of mine,
I get these pins and needles running up and down my spine.
From there, across my body, I will suddenly extend -
My neck will feel a shiver and the hairs will stand on end.
And then there is the symptom that only a man can fear -
A choking in the throat, and the crying of a tear.'
Well, the Doctor scratched his melon with a rather worried look.
His furrowed brow suggested that the news to come was crook.
`What is it Doc?' I motioned. `Have I got a rare disease?
I'm man enough to cop it sweet, so give it to me, please.'
`I'm not too sure,' he answered, in a puzzled kind of way.
`You've got some kind of fever, but it's hard for me to say.
When is it that you feel this most peculiar condition?'
I thought for just a moment, then I gave him my position:
`I get it when I'm standing in an Anzac Day parade,
And I get it when the anthem of our native land is played,
And I get it when Mortlock makes a Kiwi-crunching run,
And when Hayden grits his teeth to score a really gutsy ton.
I got it back in '91 when Farr-Jones held the Cup,
And I got it when Japan was stormed by Better Loosen Up.
I get it when Banjo takes me down the Snowy River,
And Matilda sends me waltzing with a billy-boiling shiver.
It hit me hard when Sydney was awarded with the Games,
And I get it when I see our farmers fighting for their names.
It flattened me when Bertrand raised the boxing kangaroo,
And when Perkins smashed the record, well, the rashes were true blue.
So tell me, Doc,' I questioned. `Am I really gonna die?'
He broke into a smile before he looked me in the eye.
As he fumbled with his stethoscope and pushed it out of reach,
He wiped away a tear and then he gave me this stirring speech:
`From the beaches here in Queensland to the sweeping shores of Broome,
On the Harbour banks of Sydney where the waratah's in bloom.
From Uluru at sunset to the Mighty Tasman Sea,
In the Adelaide cathedrals, at the roaring MCG.
From the Great Australian Blight up to the Gulf of Carpentaria,
The medical profession call it "green and gold malaria".
But forget about the text books, son, the truth I shouldn't hide.
The rash that you've contracted here is "good old Aussie pride".
I'm afraid that you were born with it and one thing is for sure!
You'll die with it, young man, because there isn't any cure.'"
Rupert McCall
"The day would soon arrive when I could not ignore the rash.
I was obviously ill and so I called on Doctor Nash.
This standard consultation would adjudicate my fate.
I walked into his surgery and gave it to him straight:
`Doc, I wonder if you might explain this allergy of mine,
I get these pins and needles running up and down my spine.
From there, across my body, I will suddenly extend -
My neck will feel a shiver and the hairs will stand on end.
And then there is the symptom that only a man can fear -
A choking in the throat, and the crying of a tear.'
Well, the Doctor scratched his melon with a rather worried look.
His furrowed brow suggested that the news to come was crook.
`What is it Doc?' I motioned. `Have I got a rare disease?
I'm man enough to cop it sweet, so give it to me, please.'
`I'm not too sure,' he answered, in a puzzled kind of way.
`You've got some kind of fever, but it's hard for me to say.
When is it that you feel this most peculiar condition?'
I thought for just a moment, then I gave him my position:
`I get it when I'm standing in an Anzac Day parade,
And I get it when the anthem of our native land is played,
And I get it when Mortlock makes a Kiwi-crunching run,
And when Hayden grits his teeth to score a really gutsy ton.
I got it back in '91 when Farr-Jones held the Cup,
And I got it when Japan was stormed by Better Loosen Up.
I get it when Banjo takes me down the Snowy River,
And Matilda sends me waltzing with a billy-boiling shiver.
It hit me hard when Sydney was awarded with the Games,
And I get it when I see our farmers fighting for their names.
It flattened me when Bertrand raised the boxing kangaroo,
And when Perkins smashed the record, well, the rashes were true blue.
So tell me, Doc,' I questioned. `Am I really gonna die?'
He broke into a smile before he looked me in the eye.
As he fumbled with his stethoscope and pushed it out of reach,
He wiped away a tear and then he gave me this stirring speech:
`From the beaches here in Queensland to the sweeping shores of Broome,
On the Harbour banks of Sydney where the waratah's in bloom.
From Uluru at sunset to the Mighty Tasman Sea,
In the Adelaide cathedrals, at the roaring MCG.
From the Great Australian Blight up to the Gulf of Carpentaria,
The medical profession call it "green and gold malaria".
But forget about the text books, son, the truth I shouldn't hide.
The rash that you've contracted here is "good old Aussie pride".
I'm afraid that you were born with it and one thing is for sure!
You'll die with it, young man, because there isn't any cure.'"
Rupert McCall
Labels: Heart-to-heart
To My Child
Just for this morning,
I am going to smile when I see your face and laugh when I feel like crying.
Just for this morning,
I will let you choose what you want to wear, and smile and say how perfect it is.
Just for this morning,
I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.
Just for this morning,
I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.
Just for this afternoon,
I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.
Just for this afternoon,
I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by.
Just for this afternoon,
I won't worry about what¡ you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.
Just for this afternoon,
I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.
Just for this afternoon,
I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.
Just for this evening,
I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.
Just for this evening,
I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.
Just for this evening,
I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.
Just for this evening,
I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favourite TV shows.
Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.
I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.
And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing, except one more day.
I am going to smile when I see your face and laugh when I feel like crying.
Just for this morning,
I will let you choose what you want to wear, and smile and say how perfect it is.
Just for this morning,
I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.
Just for this morning,
I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.
Just for this afternoon,
I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.
Just for this afternoon,
I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by.
Just for this afternoon,
I won't worry about what¡ you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.
Just for this afternoon,
I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.
Just for this afternoon,
I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.
Just for this evening,
I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.
Just for this evening,
I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.
Just for this evening,
I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.
Just for this evening,
I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favourite TV shows.
Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.
I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.
And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing, except one more day.
Labels: Heart-to-heart
A newborn's conversation with God
A baby asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth
tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and
helpless?"
God said, "Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care
of you."
The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't
have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy."
God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for
you. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."
Again the child asked, "And how am I going to be able to
understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?"
God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet
words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your
angel will teach you how to speak."
"And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?"
God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and will
teach you how to pray."
"Who will protect me?"
God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking
its life."
"But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore."
God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will
teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always
be next to you."
At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from
Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I
am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name."
God said, "You will simply call her, "Mum."
tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and
helpless?"
God said, "Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care
of you."
The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't
have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy."
God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for
you. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."
Again the child asked, "And how am I going to be able to
understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?"
God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet
words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your
angel will teach you how to speak."
"And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?"
God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and will
teach you how to pray."
"Who will protect me?"
God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking
its life."
"But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore."
God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will
teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always
be next to you."
At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from
Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I
am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name."
God said, "You will simply call her, "Mum."
Labels: Heart-to-heart
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